Have you ever needed a good distraction?
One of the last photos I have with Karl, from when he and Susan visited Eric and I at the end of June, and we went for a hike in Harriman State Park.
On July 18, my father-in-law Karl Branting, who has been a dad to me for over 18 years, passed away very unexpectedly from complications of COVID-19. I’m learning that grief is a beast, non-linear and physical in a way I’d never anticipated. Answering the question “how are you doing?” is really difficult and truly changes from moment to moment. I’ve so appreciated all the friends who have reached out to check in and send well wishes, but I have had no ability to answer accurately when they ask what they can do to help or what I need. And yet, as time passes, it’s all getting a tiny bit easier to talk about. I could spend hours sharing how incredible Karl was and how unbelievable it is that he’s gone. For now though, I offer the obituary that his wife and son (my mother-in-law Susan and partner Eric) wrote to try to capture his life and essence. It has been quite cathartic to read and re-read, which brings me to the power of distraction.
Just over a week after Karl passed, I came to Maine to rehearse a slapstick comedy called The Play That Goes Wrong at Portland Stage. If you don’t know the play, the conceit is that it’s opening night of the Cornley Drama Society’s community theatre production of “The Murder at Haversham Manor,” and despite how badly the cast and crew want the night to be perfect, things just start going off the rails. It’s a show that requires a LOT of physical stunts, precise choreography with props and the set, and improvisation. I play Annie, the stage manager who’s trying her darnedest to support the cast and find creative solutions when things go capital-W Wrong.
When our director Kevin R. Free (whose work I’ve admired for a long time) called me in May to offer me this role, he told me this was a remount – Portland Stage had produced the play earlier this year and it was so successful they were bringing it back for summer audiences. But two cast members had other wonderful obligations, so would I want to step in? YES! I’ve wanted to play this role since it started being produced in America! He assured me I could make the role my own and that we’d work together as a company to find how my body could (safely) contort and take punches within this world. AMAZING! There was a catch though… since it’s take two, I’ll have nine days to learn the show before tech. NINE DAYS. What an anxiety-inducing-but-cool challenge! I had a whole plan to memorize all my lines in the two weeks before arriving in Portland (something I never do because I’m a kinesthetic actor; I need to get the blocking and choreography in my body to marry words to movement) and to watch the archival video from the previous production on repeat to start learning entrances and exits, putting the physical beats in my body and brain. This would be hard, but I love doing new things as an actor and I’ve never done this before!
And then Karl died. My world turned upside down.
At first I was sure I couldn’t handle ANY rehearsal process, let alone THIS particular process. I also couldn’t fathom being away from my partner and mother-in-law so soon, having to take care of myself in a city where I knew very few people. I was certain I’d be calling Kevin to say “I’m so sorry, you’re going to have to replace the replacement.” I had already called my agents to ask them to tell Milwaukee Rep, where I worked this past winter, that I would not be able to join them for a weeklong workshop and reading of a new play that I had so been looking forward to doing. It was too soon – I could not get on a plane 3 days after Karl died.
Eric and Susan readily assured me they would support whatever I decided to do, so don’t worry about them (easy for them to say). I ended up doing what I always do when I need to process something: going for a run. I jogged the paths of “alternate Columbia” (slowly, because I was pretty under-nourished), trails Karl and I had run together for years. I am not a religious or even very spiritual person, but I found myself speaking with Karl. He helped me see that doing this play might actually be the very thing I need. That by pouring my whole self into something so all-consuming, something that requires and demands total attention and concentration, I might give myself some sense of normalcy while I process loss. He said that maybe making other people laugh could help me start to heal. So here I am. We open tonight.
This past month has been one of the hardest of my life. I am eternally grateful to Kevin, to Portland Stage, to my cast and crew, to my agents, to Milwaukee Rep, who have all supported me and held me and given me space to feel like myself even while grieving. This is the power of distraction. And the power of community. I’m still feeling all the feelings. I still find myself crying while peeling an orange, for whatever reason. I still find myself furious at the unfairness of it all. I still find myself wishing I could turn back time. I still feel so many things. But this distraction, this play, is giving me focus, somewhere to put all these emotions. I’m grateful most of all to the audiences who are giving me the gift of their laughter. They don’t even know how much their glee at The Play That Goes Wrong is helping me feel Right.
If you’re in or near Portland, Maine, I hope you’ll consider joining us for this wonderful escape. The Play That Goes Wrong is more than a very silly exploration of the toxicity of the phrase “the show must go on;” it’s about finding your voice and the need for community. More info and how to get tickets is below.
The Play That Goes Wrong
A self portrait taken on day 4 of rehearsal, before I’d figured out what padding would be helpful because I bruise VERY easily. AKA “bruises are healing” <3
At Portland Stage
Written by: Henry Lewis, Jonathan Sayer & Henry Shields
Directed by: Kevin R. Free
Featuring: J.Stephen Brantley, Ross Cowan, Laura Darrell, Khalil LeSaldo, Nicholas Mongiardo-Cooper, Dominic F. Russo, Max Samuels, and me
Dates: Wednesdays-Sundays, August 14-September 8
Tickets: from $20 HERE
Up Next:
Photo by Yero – Two Hearts Media
The day after The Play That Goes Wrong closes, I’ll head to Kentucky to bring Mina Harker to life again (for the third time!) in Dracula: A Feminist Revenge Fantasy at Actors Theatre of Louisville. I’m excited to get another chance to tackle this feisty mama, and so looking forward to reuniting with my beloved cast and crew again. AND I know there will be some BIG changes in store this year. New challenges. New backstory. New…blood? Hope you can join us!
Another Audiobook!
Marzieh Abbas wrote this beautiful children’s book, a “lyrical love letter to henna,” and it was such a pleasure to narrate it. I couldn’t help but smile as I read henna’s story, and I hope the kids in your life enjoy it, too! Available now on Audible or wherever you listen to audiobooks.